My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
