Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
