so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
