Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
