u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
