Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
