dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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