i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
