Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
