Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
