did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
