Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
