I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
