just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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