mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
