I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
