everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
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Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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