I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
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What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
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She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.