dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Sorry about my life...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
