I just cut my nipple shaving
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize