Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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