I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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