am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
