I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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