please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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