I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Fuck appropriateness.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize
