I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
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I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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