8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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