My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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