Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
