remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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