You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
