This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
