1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
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