At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
