i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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