I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
