I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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