She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
