i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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