my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
