1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
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