she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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