just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
