Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
