I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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