drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
