In America we eat man semen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
