Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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