Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
