I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
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