just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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