the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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