Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
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